|
|
Friday, April 18th, 2008
| |
8:33 am - :o(
|
i went outside this morning to water my flowers and of course i went over to the bunny nest to see how it was doing only to find, to my great dismay, that the nest was empty, with the fluff and stuff all pushed to the side. well, that settles that. as much as i'd like to believe that the mother rabbit wised up and moved the nest to a more discreet location, i know it is much, much more likely that some animal happened upon the defenseless bunnies and made a great feast out of them. this saddens me more than i'd like to admit. i actually got rather upset over it. i have a soft spot for bunnies...
i've been pretty emotional these last couple of days. i thought it was safe to go off of my light therapy with the longer days and increased exposure to sun and all, but maybe it's not that time yet.
do you ever feel like no one understands you? or cares to try...
stupid bunnies. well, at least now i can stop being anxious about them. what's done is done. this is why it's taking me so long to get a puppy. i can only imagine what a wreck i will be when it inevitably dies. this is a really stupid and poor excuse for not getting a pet, i know. how can i hold myself back from all of the great rewards pet ownership would bring me just because i fear the end. silly girl...
our future puppy (of like kind at least): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVG5EmnFKwA&feature=related
current mood:  sad
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, April 17th, 2008
| |
8:18 pm - i heart bunnies
|
today i discovered a baby bunny nest in our front yard. it was hard to count, as i didn't want to disturb the bunnies, but i'm pretty sure there are at least 3 of them all snuggled up together in that tiny hole in the ground. i wish i hadn't found the nest, because now i can't stop thinking about the bunnies and they will really fare better if i just leave well enough alone. i mean, i would never touch them or anything stupidly human like try to take care of them. i know they're wild creatures and my interference would only decrease their chance of survival. really, i wish i hadn't discovered them for my own sake, because now i can't stop thinking about them and there are no actions i can take to feel like i've helped them other than leaving them be. i googled "wild baby bunnies" and learned that the mothers often chose to place their nests (which are only 3 inch deep holes covered with the mother's fur) in open spaces (such as where this particular nest is...so close to the sidewalk - what if a dog gets them!) and only visit the nest to feed once a day, in the middle of the night, so as not to attract attention from predators. this is all well and good, but the mother had to pick to make her nest right where we're going to be planting new flowers and i'm scared that the gardeners will accidentally hurt them or at the very least disturb the nest. oh man, my anxiety is flying off the charts on this one and there's nothing i can do about it, but hope for the best and try to stop caring so much. this is hard to conceive of at the moment as i'm sort of obsessing about it, as i have a particular softness for bunnies, and baby bunnies for sure.
oh man.
current mood:  worried
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, March 2nd, 2008
| |
5:54 am - Time Flies....for some
|
Hi.
It's Day 9 out of 10. I can't believe how quickly this one went by. It's been much, MUCH easier than I remember it being in the past. I've been so happy the entire time. No cravings, really (apparently the only food I miss in the slightest is hard boiled eggs...isn't that weird?). I'm incredibly happy I decided to do this again. It's the only time (aside from sex and moments in yoga) where I feel totally anxiety-free, and now for days at a time. It's such a gift. I feel so free. Poor Donald, though, he is craving BIG TIME. I am so, so proud of him for making it all the way through this. I know he's going to finish - it's only today and tomorrow. It only started to get to him on Friday, too...the cravings. The usual suspects - cheese burgers, french fries, pizza...all the crap that sticks inside you for way, way too long. Especially if you stick to the Standard American Diet of mostly meat and dairy, with very little cooked or raw veggies, whole grains, and fruit. Which he does. Who can blame him - it's the American Way. It does make for a hard time on the cleanse, though. I know he'll be pleased with himself for doing this after it's finished. He was before the cravings hit. They kind of consume you. (Don't worry, no one's hungry...don't confuse cravings with hunger). I'm also especially proud of him for not doing that other stuff he really likes to do for this entire time. Claims he doesn't even miss it. What a relief. Just knowing he can easily do without it, makes me feel better about the future, you know?
Anyway, just wanted to let you know we're alive and well. Some of us are very, very well. :)
current mood:  jubilant
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, February 21st, 2008
| |
6:56 am - 3rd time's the charm?
|
Hi there. It's me, your friend ANXIOUS. Actually, I've been doing better anxious-wise, thanks to my daily light therapy and loads of yoga, pilates, and time spent in my lovely, and oh so private new home gym (i hate going to the gym when other people are around...i can't understand why some people claim to actually LIKE that aspect of it....but then again, i hate being noticed by anyone at all,except for donald, of course. Somehow, people looking at you work out is even worse than the people who randomly stare at you from their cars or while walking past you on the street. Just thinking about any of this makes me cringe...what a side track!). Anyway, the main reason I am extra anxious today is that in just two days (less, actually), I will be embarking on my third go at the Master Cleanse (for those of you who are not familiar with this, it is a 10 day fast/detox, in which you only consume a concoction of fresh lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper....sounds really bizaree, I know, but believe me, it works). I first tried this in August of 2006, with great results. It helped me overcome a lot of physical and emotional problems, which is why i decided to try it again in August 2007. That time didn't go so well...in fact, I really struggled through the whole thing, and kind of decided I wouldn't try it again. Well, so much for that. About a week ago, Donald decided he wanted to give it a go, and we figured out that it wasn't going to work out for me unless I did it with him (I depend on Donald a lot, emotionally, and I turn into a HUGE bleepin' mess whenever he's not his usual dependable self (I practically passed out when he came to after getting his wisdom teeth pulled last summer) and watching him go through all the detox stages of the cleanse would be too hard for me, so thats why we decided to do it together). Anyway, so, here we go. I'm really nervous about it this time, but I am also curious to see if I have the same result as last August, or it works out like in 2006. I hope it's the latter.
I know, I'm crazy. It's alright, I kind of like it.
In other news, I finally beat the last battle on medium in Guitar Hero. Woohoo! I had gotten so discouraged several weeks ago after several failed attempts, so I stopped playing the game altogether, except for once when we were hanging out at Nick's place. Then, last Saturday, people came over and we played several hours straight of Rock Band, in which I played the bass, which is a little easier, I think, than the guitar, but apparently, very good practice. So, on Sunday, I decided to give Guitar Hero another shot and I beat that last battle on my first try! Now, I've gotten 5's on all of the medium songs except that ridiculous Slayer song. Once I get a 5 on that, I'll have to move on to Hard and work on that orange key. At least I'll have lots of time to distract myself with it next week during the cleanse.
I love Guitar Hero. :)
current mood:  anxious
|
|
(6 comments | comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, February 6th, 2008
| |
10:40 am - oh the weather outside is frightful...
|
i could build a fire today. don taught me how to before christmas. this is the kind of day for a nice fire. or, i could wait until don gets home and he can build one while i cook dinner and we can eat by the fire. that sounds nice!
i woke up at 1 AM with a terrible stomach issue. i had to walk around my office for 2 hours until i felt ok enough to lie down again. i kept thinking i was going to ralph but i never did. i never ralph unless it's unaviodable, because i dislike it so much. (i feel kind of bad for people named ralph...but not really). i woke up at 5 to take don to the train so he wouldn't have to drive in this shit. i went back to sleep until 9 (i can't remember the last time i've slept past 8!), and woke up feeling just as icky as before. i wonder if i have a little stomach bug or something. maybe it's related to the delicious hackney burger i enjoyed last night. who knows...now it's almost 11 and i still feel the same. i hope it doesn't progress into that thing i have a couple of years ago where i was in so much pain don had to come home from work and take me to the emergency room. that sucked big time. so far i feel the same as i did at 1 am. i'm not sure if that's good, but at least it's not worse.
i don't know why i decided to write about this, of all things, right now. it feels like i've been beat up from the inside. icky.
i think i'll go try to be productive.
current mood: nauseated
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, October 28th, 2007
| |
6:19 am - FACEBOOK
|
Ok, so I finally caved and joined facebok, but I have no friends and well...i know you all are on it, so could you please be my friend? it's a sad, lonely world with no friends on facebook.
is it true that you can only look at someone's profile if you're their friend? it's hard to be sneaky that way, huh.
maybe i should switch my account to show my maiden name?
when am i going to see you people? it's been forever...
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, January 29th, 2007
| |
9:43 am - being 6 is...
|
a lot like being 5, but slightly more depressing. at least for today.
well my big 24 has come and gone and now i'm a whole year older and let me tell you, i can feel it.
it's not like i didn't have a nice day. i did. i woke up feeling very sad and anxious, which doesn't help. but don made sure my day was special, including beautiful roses, festive balloons, and my very favorite ice cream pie. he even bought birthday plates and napkins and a candle in the shape of a large number 6. i'm a very lucky girl, you know. not many men would want a 6 year old 24 year old wife. don humors the small child inside me.
my big birthday present, of course, is my solo trip to paris for a week in june, which i am oh so excited for. a whole week of extra long hours spent in museums, walking around as fast as i please as far as i wish and taking in as many sights as possible. i've wanted to go to paris by myself ever since i started learning about france in french class, middle school years. i've been a couple of times for a weekend here and there, but it's never enough time. this is the best present ever. it's partly my christmas gift, too, you know...even though he bought me presents for christmas anyway. he did buy me a business class ticket and 6 nights at a lovely little hotel in my favorite parisian neighborhood, ste-germain-des-pres. i am super-dee-duper excited about being able to do whatever i want there for a whole week, even though i'm sure to have don withdrawal. i can do it, though, because it's one of my dreams.
at any rate. back to the birthday report...some friends called, a couple imed, and most forgot. i understand, people are busy, you know. sometimes i forget, too...but i always send a card or package. i can't lie...this upset me a bit. i don't expect gifts or long phone calls or anything of the like. nor would i want such things, generally. but it'd be nice if the people who apparently forgot would remember the day.
enough willow-wallowing. i'm a very lucky girl, you see, and i am so very appreciative of the cards, phone calls, and messages i did receive. my family loves me. and my closest friends love me. and my husband loves me. and i really couldn't ask for anything more.
i guess the reason i woke up sad is because i realized i really don't want to get older. yes, i want a house and the responsibilities that come with that. but...kids are way too scary yet and...you know.....i'm sure it will all be alright. i guess it's normal to get a little scared of growing older from time to time, but in the long run, it's a good thing. there is much in store for me, both good and bad, and i wouldn't want to miss it.
there, i feel better already.
current mood:  contemplative
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Friday, January 26th, 2007
| |
7:26 am - does this thing even work anymore?
|
my god, i haven't written in here is a long ass time. i'm considering trying it again. but not really.
anyway, just wanted to announce that don and i are going to start house hunting very soon. anyone want to buy our place in evanston? that will be going on the market shortly too. i am so super excited about getting a house. i mean, everyone knows we're so old already anyway. what are a pair of 50 year olds without a house? yeah, um i don't really believe we're 50....although some people claim we act that way. i'm afraid i've turned don into a full fledged introvert. he's talking of becoming hermits with me as soon as he doesn't have to work anymore. oops. he used to have some extroverted qualities. he claims he always hated pesky small talk and superficial social events, such as office parties and the like. i feel bad because we only see friends once every blue moon unless they track us down. and it's not that we don't want to see them. i guess we're very cozy just being a twosome for most of the time. i do miss friends. it's sad that i keep in better touch with the long distance ones than the locals. well, at any rate, there is a house in our future. i hope we find a good one soon. house hunting can be a bitch. i've already moved half a dozen times (not including college!) in my lifetime. i'm hoping since this is something i really want (a house) i won't flip out about the moving process or anything.
condo for sale!
speaking of being old. i turn 6 on sunday. you heard me. ok, i have a little anxiety about getting OLD, so i add up the digits of my age and that's what i am. you figure it out. i sure hope there's baskin ribbins mint chocolate chip ice cream pie. oh please, oh please! yes...somtimes i do actually act my added-up-digits age.
|
|
(8 comments | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, May 4th, 2006
| |
9:11 pm - a wee bit
|
|
so i'm a little drunk and most of you don't care a flying fuck about american idols (i never did before i watched this ENTIRE season), but the last 5 were SUPER good and i didn't want any of them voted off. i would have (will?) bought solo albums for each of them. they are AMAZING - and SO DIFFERENT from one another. TOTALLY different styles. paris was voted off this week which makes me so sad...and i realized i will be so sad for each of them voted off until the finale. you might think i'm a dork, but you should seriously watch this competition. i cared the most about 5 people out of the so many that started and it was that 5 to make it to the final 5, so america can tell a good singer from a hoax apparently after all.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
3:00 pm - greece, anyone?
|
i think i know what's happened to make me feel so restless and anxious all of the time. considering when it really started (thanksgiving '05)...i haven't had any projects since that time. school always kept me so busy, being the obsessive student i was. when i graduated i came home to a brand new condo with blank walls and no furniture, and a wedding to plan. that filled a good solid 9 months with busy work. then we were on our honeymoon chillaxing for 2 weeks. when we came home, i had so many presents to go through, thank yous to write, organizational projects to find places to put all of the presents, etc. by thanksgiving, all of this had settled down significantly, leaving me project-free. i think i need projects. without projects my anxiety takes over my whole body and i become overwhelmed with all of the things i notice going on around me....which i notice less when i have projects to focus on. this must be it, mustn't it? i need projects. major, can't avoid them projects. oy.
i can't decide if this is an exciting or terrifying prospect.
in other news...i think i need some real quality time by myself. i mean, i am by myself all day during the week except for the occasional mom lunch, yoga class, and wednesday work-at-church day...but i mean like, go away by myself sort of time. i used to do this in college...take day trips to new places when i didn't have papers to write or tests to study for. now i don't know how i'd fare well without don for more than a day or two tho. i am pretty attached to him. but i think it'd be good...for me, especially, but also for him to have some of his own downtime. maybe i'd go to wisconsin or michigan or something for a day trip to start. then work my way up to a night over at a neat spa or B&B somewhere. eventually, i'd love to go to europe solo. i love traveling with my hubby, but let's face it, museums and sight-seeing just aren't his thing. i could go to paris and go to the louvre (still haven't been there even tho i've been to paris twice). the ultimate trip would be a tour of some sorts of greece. it is so, so beautiful there, and there are so many beautiful ruins (isn't that funny?). i think maybe don and i could do a cruise around greece and that'd be fun, too. we'll see...i'll have to start with a day trip somewhere first, you know, build up to something more substantial. don was actually all for it when i mentioned it to him once. he said it'd be great for me because i could do all of the things he doesn't like to do on vacations, and he wouldn't have to miss work. the only issue is that i am terrified of random people. i hate eating by myself (only dinner time...lunch i can manage), because then waiters feel the need to talk to you and i don't really like that. i could always just do room service/carryout dinners, i spose. i think a trip to a really nice spa would be great, because people go to those solo all the time and the staff doesn't feel the need to make a point of talking to you all the time. really, tho, i want to go to greece more than anywhere else. the next time don's up for a cruise and can take 10 days off of work (a few years from now?) then that will be my top choice.
in other news, i've started running again. i like it. i like rollerblading better, but it's hard to do it without a sufficient path that isn't driving distance away (evanston sucks for rollerblading...i like the path that runs alongside mccormick the best, but i have to drive to it). plus, with skating, it has to be pretty dry on the ground, with crack-free pavement, and somewhat warm (55 +), because you go so much faster than running and it gets chilly. i'm trying to give running a second chance, tho, cuz i really did enjoy track in 9th grade and the subsequent running i did in wellesley and at nyu. i just hope my knees hold it together. i had tendinitis in both knees when i was younger from ballet and they've never really been great at high impact stuff like running and jumping since. but with yoga i think i've built up my quads and whatever those muscles are just above your kneecaps enough to protect my knees. i can't wait til i am back in the kind of running shape where eventually you switch from reality (aka, this is tiring, i am thirsty) to getting in the running "zone" (aka zen-like flying feeling). finding that would be AWESOME.
current mood: anxious (as usual)
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, May 1st, 2006
| |
5:15 pm - what i would do if i could do anything i want....wait...
|
don's home from work sick today. out of the blue he mentioned wanting to go back to disney world next year. i am incredibly happy about the prospect of this. i didn't even bring it up!
we spent some of yesterday with his family. emily's dad offered her a job working for him at his new office 3 days a week, but with the same pay she gets at the job she hates 5 days a week now. there are loads of perks other than this, too. mainly, tho, she is scared of change and so it makes it a decision and not an automatic yes for her. anyway, she and her mum (MIL) and i were sitting around the kitchen table talking about it, and in a lull i suddenly blurted out i've been thinking about looking for a job. i think i miss having structured projects. but i am spoiled by my situation - i don't need the income. altho it'd be nice to have a little income so i could buy presents for people with my own money (i feel kind of odd still giving presents from me to people but with money i didn't make, even tho don has always insisted it is "ours" to use as "we" wish). but any realistic job wouldn't really suit me. i mean, name one thing i could do where i could set my own schedule, work only 2-3 days a week and go on vacation or change my schedule anytime i want. NONEXISTENT, right? now, see, if i were in a different situation and i needed a job for the income, i would not have the same standards, at all. i would expect to work whatever hours my employers want and have to plan vacation time sparingly around their expectations. i could manage that. i could do that. but i don't have to, and don't want to, so, yeah. i dunno...any ideas?
here's something else, now that we're on the subject of my situation...i know i am extremely lucky. i know my luck could change anytime. i am grateful for the lifestyle my situation affords me and i feel no need to show it or boast of it or whatnot (if you know me, really know me, you know that the limelight is NOT my bag, and that i will avoid being the center of attention (or any attention other than my husband's TLC for that matter) at all costs). i still feel guilty about it. whenever i mention some new furniture i'm looking into or a trip i'm planning, or even this entry and talking about my "situation" at all, i feel extremely uncomfortable, like people assume the worst of me. i don't want to be assumed about. i don't really even want to be considered. i just want to float on by everyone else without making a large impression aside from wanting to make them happy. i'm very awkward with other people, huh. i spose. it's cuz i feel so damn guilty for everything. talk about a complex.
i sometimes wish i had some real artistic talent. i mean, maybe photography if i pursued it more actively, but i mean like...to be able to draw something and have it not look like 8-year-old doodles. i would love to be able to paint. i would paint pictures of the ocean, the mountains, and the forest everyday. transcendentalism. thomas cole. i would wake up and everyday it would be a great day, because i would create something beautiful. i would surround myself with images of the places i want to be. it's too bad i can't draw for the life of me. not that i've ever seriously tried, but it's one of those things you just know. but maybe photography...that could be fostered a bit at least. but to be able to paint a real picture...that would just blow me away. that would be the best job ever...and i would never again have to get so nervous when someone asked me what i do for a living. i could just say i was an artist, even if i never sold anything. people accept that. they just want to know you do something. it makes them uncomfortable when you aren't "doing" something. and people ask all the time. i hate it. this question is generally followed by the, "when can we hear the pitter patter of little feet" nonsense, which makes me cringe even more. ACK! social stuff makes my head spin. it's so....icky. nerve-wracking.
this is the 3rd time i've written here in several days. that's weird, isn't it?
current mood: pensive
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, April 29th, 2006
| |
12:25 pm - a happy family is but an earlier heaven
|
grandparents. you gotta love them. there's no one like a grandparent to spoil and pamper you with unconditional love and affection. the problem is...they leave you before you are ready to let them go....as if you could ever be ready.
when my grandpa died when i was 7, i still didn't quite understand what death really meant.....the end of a person's physical presence in your life. it was so hard for me to witness my parents and brother (almost 8 years my senior) crumble under the weight of their sadness, one that i couldn't fully appreciate yet. i didn't understand how the situation was even sadder due to the unfortunate circumstances surrounding his untimely death....a faulty surgery of some sorts (i still, to this day, do not know what happened - all i know was that the hospital kind of screwed up). i remember vividly the memorial service...watching my father cry as he reminisced about his dad at the podium, watching my brother as tears streamed down his face, how my grandma would cry extra hard for years afterward when it came time to go home after visiting us, because she had to go to an empty home.
when my other grandpa died last summer (on the day of my baptism...how ironic), it was after years of dread and anticipation. he had been really quite sick and bedridden for some time...he went peacefully in his sleep at the ripe old age of 94 and a half to the day. we had all been preparing ourselves for that moment for quite some time. still, no matter how much you prepare yourself, death is always shocking. this time there was no memorial service....but i had already felt some sort of closure just two weeks before he died when we had been visiting. when i kissed him goodbye before we left for the airport, i somehow felt in knew in my heart that i would never see him again.
now, my grandma is almost 95 and, altho she is physically in great shape for her age, her mind is losing its grip, and i understand that she won't live forever. same with my other, 85 year old grandma, altho she is in much much better condition. i can't imagine my life without these women. i know it's too soon to become mournful, but i can't help the deep sadness that settles in me whenever i realize they are not immortal. no one is (nor should they be, but still...it is always shocking).
i guess that's how it goes, tho.
current mood:  indescribable
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
| |
9:56 pm - to my peeps...otherwise known as, you guys
|
i know i've been really bad at being a good friend for a long time now. i am really very sorry about that. i have not forgotten about you guys...in fact, i think about you often and wish i spent more time with you. it's hard, being on two different sorts of schedules, you know? excuses, excuses i know. i just wanted to say that i will try harder, and i will try to try harder. and i love you all very much. and miss you. hope you're well and not too too pissed off at me. i'll make you cookies if it will help :p
hope to see you asap (after this crazy all-the-relatives-we-have-are-visiting-weekend)
did i mention i really miss you guys?
current mood: chipper
current music: brian and laura's seder songs
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, March 18th, 2006
| |
5:16 pm - update on MOI
|
i haven't written here in awhile about the anxiety stuff. i don't have anything better to do that i have the energy to do at the moment, so i will update. i know you are all overwhelmed with anticipation. :p
Part 1: so i went to see a psychiatrist down the street from me about...a week and a half ago...and after answering all of his questions for about an hour, he told me that he does not believe i have an anxiety disorder, because my anxiety issues are not disordering my life. he believes that i might be more prone to anxiety than most and that a certain part of my brain that controls anxiety is probably overactive. he thinks that my anxiety is probably heightened in the winter months due to the *winter blues* i experience with this shitty weather (hello, moving to california would be soooo good for me). he absolutely has no reason to believe i need medication (thank god - throw out the lexapro!) and that therapy isn't really crucial, altho i might want to try it for my own other reasons. he gave me a cd of guided imagery to help myself learn how to pinpoint the causes on my anxiety and mentally overcome them (i am not standing on thin ice, i am standing on firm ground). and he said there was no need for further consultation with him unless i felt a "blip" in my mental stability. this was all overwhelmingly good news and immediately i felt as if a huge burden was lifted off of my shoulders.
Part 2: a friend of mine from zoomass wrote a lj entry about this condition (of sorts) that she finds she fits into called HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), and mentioned a book she had read on the subject. i googled HSP and found after looking at several websites with questionnaires that i am most probably an HSP, as well. so i bought the book. and i've only read the first chapter (it was kind of overwhelming, i will surely finish the book early next week once i work up the courage to) and found that yes, indeed, the psychiatrist was probably correct in diagnosing my overactive anxiety brain thing. there's lots to say about this HSP thing - some good, some more difficult, but it does explain a lot why i always seem hypersensitive to my surrounding, especially noises and smells, and how even just those things can trigger my anxiety. and how the moods of those surrounding me directly affect my mood. apparently about 20% of the population falls into the HSP category on some level or another, and sometimes you're born that way, or sometimes just more prone to it. there's a big old worrywart gene in my family, which i obviously inherited, and am beginning to believe made me prone to this HSP business. i think that all of those moves in grade school and high school kind of pushed me over the verge of normalish occasional worrier to HSP. anywho, it is all rather interesting but overwhelming at the same time to learn about (a typical HSP reaction - isn't that funny!). i'm unsure how i feel about labeling myself or being labeled or whatnot. still working with that one. one of the most interesting discoveries of all as i was reading that first chapter was how it is not "abnormal" for an HSP to need to go to a small, dark space after being especially overwhelmed by something, in order to cry. i have been wondering since high school why i need to sit in a bathroom or bathtub when it's dark to be able to really cry. this is most exciting to even just read that there is something out there that can explain this strange behavior of mine. and you know what else is cool? when i mentioned it to my MIL she asked if she could read the book once i was done with it. it was such a pleasant surprise to learn that she cares that much to want to learn more about something i think i relate to. on the other hand, i can't even tell my mother about any of this because she will turn it into something negative that i need to feel guilty for and i really don't need that at all, thankyouverymuch.
interesting, eh?
current mood:  hungover
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
| |
2:13 pm - oh, crum
|
2 things i would like to share today:
1) why must my weight affect me so much? i know i am not "fat," but i might as well weigh 150 lbs the way i look down on myself. i weigh nowhere near 150 lbs but i treat myself like i do. aka - i am extremely critical of the number i do weigh and use it as negative criticism against myself. this bothers me. i am trying to change this attitude. i should just stop weighing myself altogether, but it's part of my new fitness regimen plan and i want to see how it plays out over the next few months. the good news is that this increased approach to cardio fitness tacked onto my yoga is making me feel great...i like getting in shape, it makes me feel alive. so i shall continue. what i don't like is watching what i eat. i think i've been trying really hard but then i de-soberify myself and totally give in to nibbling on chocolate and popcorn. not in as much excess as i once did in college (oh was college bad for my body image and self-esteem or what!), but it doesn't help me cut calories when i slip up. so i need to be better about that when i am not sober, somehow.
2) i want to move to california...BADLY. don came home from his office trip to san diego a few weekends ago and was like "why are we living here? it's cold and i can't play golf all year round." good point. for me personally, though, i think i would be much happier in general back in my native land. i miss the sun and the warmth and the ocean sooooo much. these winter months just kill my spirit, they really do. i get so lethargic and sad during these gray cold winter days. i am so much happier and more energetic when it is warm and i can run and play outside. we can't move while don's job is treating him so well, of course, and really who knows how long that will be. i can wait as long as it's a possibility. i don't think i want to move my children past 3rd grade or so...it's really quite traumatic for kids to move...if i ever move them it will only be once or i will spend the rest of my life spoiling them from the guilt. i'd rather spoil them from love and happiness.
i can't wait for this vacation. it's in just 4 weeks now. 7 days in the sun (i hope)....let's just hope i don't find out i really do have motion sickness after all. 7 days on a boat with that would kill the fun in the sun theme. yeah.
current mood: hopeful
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, February 27th, 2006
| |
2:58 pm - stop that incessant whining
|
ok, ok, i complained earlier, but i sucked it up b/c i can read these chapters, no biggie, and i can comment and it doesn't take too much time. and i am already committed to that. so that's that. i just have to be careful not to agree to further responsibilities with this project. i will read all of the chapters and comment and move on with my life. i wont get in too deep.
seriously tho, gotta work on this "no" thing.
current mood:  moody
current music: the winnie the pooh theme song (?)
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| |
11:46 am - how?
|
how does one say "no" to someone who asks a favor of them? assume the favor-asker is a close friend or relative and the favor is not really *asked* but more kind of assumed....how does one dodge that bullet? HOW??
i really don't want to get involved with my m.i.l.'s latest book. i mean, i'll read it when she's done and shower her with praise and whatnot, but i do not want to become an "editor" and it's impossible to get out of. IMPOSSIBLE. i "forgot" to read the chapters she wanted me to, hoping instead that my critical read of her chapter outline might suffice, and today i got the "why haven't you read them yet? please do soon" (i am paraphrasing here) and another chapter in my inbox. i can't just say that i don't want to to her face. that's not nice. i just...i really want to keep a comfortable distance from this project of hers for my own selfish reasons and i cannot. I CANNOT. say no.
but i CAN say it in m head and to my don and on here.
NO!!!
and why must there always be a reason? an excuse? like you're a bad person if your only reason is b/c "you don't want to"
i hate these stupid rules. rules rules rules everywhere for everything.
well that was a nice little rant.
current mood: cranky
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, February 24th, 2006
| |
10:54 am - for the record
|
i did it. i called. i have an appointment with a psychiatrist on march 7th at 11 am. holy crap.
and it's only 10:53 am, not 3:59 pm!
i am sooooo impressed with myself right now.
current mood:  bouncy
current music: Girl from American Idol who was cut - Because the Night
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, February 19th, 2006
| |
8:15 am
|
|
i couldn't think of the word last night (brain fart) but replace "swallowing up" books with devouring them. isn't that better?
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, February 18th, 2006
| |
10:22 pm - i hope this headache is just a side effect
|
well, a very interesting morning indeed, including bolting out of bed at 5:30 am in such discomfort...the details of which i will save you all from...and waiting, hanging by a nervous thread, until 8:30 am when my doctor's office opened and i could call. luckily they fit me in at 10:20 am, and my suspicions were confirmed. i have a UTI. Not fun, don't recommend it. and i've always been so, SO careful to avoid getting one of these, using methods from which i will spare you also the details of. i know exactly when it happened...i mean, the cause. last saturday night in nyc. funny how through yoga i am learning to listen to my body more and more and i just knew that had done it. so i ignored the initial symptoms for a week (do you see how much i hate going to the doctor?)...this morning my body said, hell no, you can't ignore me.
they say these antibiotics usually work pretty fast. i think they worked pretty fast in giving me a whopping headache.
in other news, don has been gone this weekend...his office trip to san diego to play golf or something. it's been weird, but kind of nice. i used to be such a hermit...a solitary one, you know. it's nice to know i have someone who wants to just be with me...and will be back monday night, weather permitting. i miss him the most at night, naturally. i have come to rely on my personal radiator in these winter months. and i feel safe when he's around. everything is ambiguously unsafe when he is not. but i can survive a few days here and there.
i would like to note for my own personal record that it has been 2 and a half weeks since i saw my doctor who told me to take lexapro. i have done no such thing. in fact, i hid the 3 weeks worth of samples he gave me in a tiny hard to open drawer in the corner of the bedroom. i don't want to take it. i do need to go see a psychiatrist for a second opinion on the diagnosis and find a suitable therapist for the long-haul...i have the right number to call to find these people. i haven't. i am a big chicken. *bawk bawk* (visualize arrested development here if you will). i wrote a promissory note to myself that i would call by next friday, 4 PM. no matter what. watch me call at 3:59. haha, i am such a wuss.
i have swallowed up 5 books in the past 2 weeks. well, ok, i finally finished anna karenina last week. then i read 2 books last weekend in nyc, and yesterday i started another book, which i finished this afternoon, and then swallowed another book just this evening. i somehow forgot my passion for reading over the past 5, 6 years. i used to swallow up a book in a day all of the time in grade school and the early years of high school. and then i kind of lost it when i got so caught up in school work and trying to get into nyu from junior to senior year of high school. i threw myself into school work and continued vigorously to attack all assignments, tests, and papers with such intensity all throughout college, never having time or energy to read just for me. and i've kind of been missing reading, school related and not, since i graduated, but i forgot i could make time to do that. i think i just realized i could. it feels good. watch out, i think i may have just reentered the world of book swallowing. any suggestions? i'm in a fiction mode at present, and usually am, unless it's art history.
i know this is sort of juvenile...but i seemed to have regressed back to having a stuffed animal friend. don bought me this bear when we were in vegas (read: jen should not be allowed to wander around gift shops that have stuffed animals when she is *under the influence*...hence the eeyore from amsterdam, and that monster one from disney world...what's his name? all i know is that the little girl in the movie calls him kitty)...i've been really attached to it in a sort of unhealthy way for my age, if we are sticking to social conventions here. (social conventions really kind of suck, btw). I think it has a lot to do with this whole diagnosis business and not wanting to admit to it or do anything about it. it has to do with some other ongoing things that i'd rather not delve into at the moment. but really...why can't a girl...a married, 23 year old woman really...have a bear she likes, huh? it's aggravating.
i don't want to spell check this thing but i will because i am a perfectionist.
man this headache blows.
current mood: contemplative
current music: all i can hear is the pounding over my right eye
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
meowmixat8's journal